SPEAKERS’ CORNER

THE PARADING OF PINT-SIZED FOUR-LEGGED FRIENDS AS FASHION VICTIMS IN THE MASS MEDIA IS PROVOKING A BACKLASH AGAINST DOGS AS ACCESSORIES. TOBY ROSE CALLS FOR US TO GIVE OUR DOGS THEIR DIGNITY BACK VILLAINS IN THIS piece are rich young ladies (think Paris Hilton) who use their pooch’s imagined extravagant needs as an extension of their own high-maintenance requirements. This is nothing less than being a demanding diva by pooch proxy. It’s about princess tactics – and using an innocent doggie bystander. I’m sure Paris’ main concern is not the needs of her Chihuahua Tinkerbell; it’s more the projection of her enormous ego. Let’s face it, all a dog wants is to go for walks, chow down on bones and then bury them in compost heaps. The simple life is the dog’s life; and they love it. A hound cannot munch on diamante. If they were to even nibble on their Gucci basket, it would mean owner meltdown. Sharon Osbourne’s dog Minnie is a prop on her chat show. The pampered Pomeranian has become a fixture on the couch, and her sharp little teeth a fixture in guests. Nipped so far have been Dirty Dancing star Patrick Swayze and Baywatch’s David Hasselhoff. Thank the lord that dental hygiene is top of the agenda for Minnie. Her water bowl only feels the splash of Evian and teeth whitening is in the hands of a top Beverly Hills pet dentist. That said, insurance premiums are soaring as the likes of Minnie continue to sink petit fangs into A-list flesh. Pop Idol contestants must be hoping that the feisty ball of fluff won’t be joining her equally feisty owner on the panel. Well, that would be one way to hit those top notes. This increasingly colourful cavalcade of canines is moving away from earthy doggie reality. Dogs are not another wardrobe item. They may be fashionable, but they’re not an accessory. Toy dogs can be slung over the shoulder in a harness, such as the latest Louis Vuitton handbag. But what if they are real? Fido’s feet no longer have to pound the pavement. This is bad news for dogs who get too little exercise and are bumped around on the hips. A new charity should be formed, named RSPAFA: The Royal Society for the Protection of Animals from Fashion Atrocity. Dump the diamante and give the dog a bone, for goodness sake. Ladies who lunch should get down to some hardcore pooper-scooping and leave the scented world of canine haute couture behind. Significantly, in fashion capital Paris, dog ownership has dropped for the first time in years as the Town Hall wages war against owners too posh to pooper-scoop. Responsible owners are being tarred with the same brush as owners with a cavalier approach to canine waste. Dogs are getting a bad rap. Maybe the RSPAFA should make this a campaign issue? After all, dogs are participating in human healthcare more than ever. Pet therapy is a recognised success with the housebound and those with long-term ailments. Dog visits to retirement homes are seen as a major benefit to resident welfare. The arrival of an affectionate pooch might be described as a welcome dose of Petzac. High-end owners may scream: “My dog wants for nothing!” True, if their dog subscribed to the same Material Girl agenda as their owner. But the trend for dog gifts has seen the pet spend going stratospheric. Personally, I believe people should be free to spoil their pets with a smart new basket or coat – after all, it is a darn site less dubious than another pricy Dior fur-trimmed jacket. But excess is not a success for the owner and pooch relationship. As we head towards the season of goodwill, think before you lavish your pet’s yuletide treat in lurid patterned wrapping paper; don’t forget that dogs are colour blind. Brown paper packages are just fine for wrapping their favourite things. Gift the difference to the dogs’ home.

FLYING THE FLAG

BRITAIN NEEDS TO STAY IN THE RED, SAYS BILL KNOTT BEGUILED BY HOLLYWOOD pastiches of London, a foreign visitor new to these shores must find our capital city confusing. There are red buses – some of them low-level and bendy, but still plenty of double-deckers – and blue-helmeted policemen (wielding side-handled batons, not truncheons, but we’ll forgive them). The dome of St Paul’s is still just about visible among the towering offices, and, while the fogs may have gone, it is still quite likely to be raining. Where, though, are the famous red telephone boxes? Surely these modern smoked glass monstrosities with their token bands of red can’t be all that remain of Giles Gilbert Scott’s iconic design? Gilbert Scott’s design (named “K2”) was adopted by the Post Office in 1924, the winner of a national competition. While some examples of his dome-topped, cast-iron boxes and their successors remain in towns and villages all over Britain, London now has a dearth of them. Five of them stand in a row near the Royal Opera House, but this is mere theme-park heritage, a handy backdrop for tourist snaps. It’s the curse of our age that anything deemed old-fashioned is replaced by an ego-bloated designer’s view of what is modern. The demonstrable fact that “modern” designs actually date far more quickly than classic designs is of no consequence to the cultural vandals in charge of our street furniture. Widespread vandalism, ironically, is used as an excuse to decommission the old boxes. But just because a wall is covered with graffiti is no reason to knock it down. The other wonderful thing about phone boxes was that people had their phone conversations in private. Thanks to mobile phones, we’re now forced to overhear what previously took place in the privacy of a booth. Perhaps restaurateurs could buy the old boxes and install them on their premises: not as payphones, but simply to contain those who insist on taking mobile phone calls during dinner. That really would be progress.

GRAND DESIGNS

DEYAN SUDJIC REMINDS US WHY BRITISH INNOVATION IS SO GREAT LONDON’S DESIGN MUSEUM began life 20 years ago in the basement of the Victoria & Albert Museum, exploring the intersection of culture with commerce by putting a Ford Mondeo and a Coke bottle in territory normally reserved for fine art. It was the product of Terence Conran’s vision and founding director Stephen Bayley’s curiosity; and their shared belief that a laptop computer or a chair could excite the senses as much as a Picasso painting. The museum moved to its own building, next to Tower Bridge, where it has worked to show every aspect of design. Design, as the museum sees it, can be about the elegant way that Isambard Kingdom Brunel pushed brick to its limits to make the longest, flattest arched bridge that he could. And it’s also about fashion designer Paul Smith’s reinvention of Britishness. It’s exploring how materials work, and what people need from the objects that they use in the course of their lives. Design is a way of understanding how the world works, and how it can produce objects of extraordinary beauty. In its white Thameside building, deliberately meant to recall the Bauhaus style of pre-war Germany (where form followed function), it has provided a platform for bright newcomers. For example, its Design Mart show highlights talented graduates, as well as better-known names. Our next big exhibition, Alan Fletcher: Fifty Years of Graphic Work (and Play), looks at one of Britain’s most inventive graphic artists, responsible for everything from Penguin paperbacks to the signage system at Lloyds of London. Fletcher was a founder member of the Pentagram design consultancy that helped define contemporary Britain. Now the museum is planning another move to accommodate growing audiences. We’re working on a building three times the size of our existing home, next to the Tate Modern on Bankside, that will allow us to put on bigger exhibitions, grow our permanent collection, build up our archive and give us the space we need to make the most of them. Alan Fletcher: Fifty Years of Graphic Work (and Play), 11 November 2006 to 18 February 2007; Design Museum, Shad Thames, London SE1 2YD; 10am-5.45pm daily; +44 (0)870 833 9955; www.designmuseum.org